It was the evening of May 21, 2011. I was parked up for the night at the Squaw Creek Travel Plaza in the small town of Mound City in northwestern Missouri. As I was choking down one of the worst plates of french fries I've ever had in my life, the weather outside was growing more and more violent. The sky was filled with grimy, evil clouds vomiting furious torrents of water. Cartoon lightning shot about wildly. The wind tossed garbage and branches through the parking lot. Trees swayed drunkenly at wild angles. A small crowd had gathered inside and they were irritating me with expert precision. It had been a long day and I was ready to give up on the fries and go read a book in my truck when I heard one of the waitresses say that there was a tornado warning for the county we were in. They had turned on the weather report on the radio, so I figured it might not hurt to pick at my food a little longer and see what they had to say. Sure enough, they announced that a tornado had indeed touched down by a trailer park that was only about fifteen miles away. At that moment, I looked at the ridiculous cast of characters that surrounded me and realized that I was smack dab in the middle of the first scene of some shitty Michael Bay disaster movie. These weren't people. They were broad caricatures. It was absurd. I took comfort in the fact that I was clearly the heroic but flawed everyman, who was, no doubt, going to learn some valuable lesson before this whole fiasco was through. I decided to take stock of this band of misfits and see who was going to be of any value when the shit went down.
Pre-teen brother and sister in soccer uniforms – I won't dismiss these two. The kids will probably create a few unnecessary risks throughout the ordeal due to carelessness/panic/curiosity but might end up having some surprising value in the end. The boy doesn't seem super comfortable in the soccer getup. I suspect he may be some sort of computer wizard. I will make an effort to protect them.
Hispanic father with young daughter – I have overheard that they are making their way back to Chino, California after visiting his father and new step-mom. I know from watching The O.C. that Chino is a rough hood. He seems to be a good dad, trying to make a difficult situation work. A heart of gold. He has third act tragedy written all over him. We will probably bond at some point.
Corn-rowed, G-Unit wearing, African-American gentleman – He's hooked to his iPhone, pacing nervously. Definitely panicky and unreliable. I know how these movies work. He will be one of the first to go.
Overweight, irritable truck driver – Loves to complain. Brings nothing to the table. Another early death.
Soccer mom – She has sass. Though definitely frightened, I think she will be a trooper. She'll go to any length to protect her kids. Will probably be seen as comic relief, but, in truth, she's fucking annoying.
Grizzled, stoic cook – Periodically steps out of the kitchen and directs his steely glare out the window. He's probably “badass”. Bound to be a crowd favourite. I suspect a military past of some sort. I will listen to this guy's opinion, but will remain cautious. He may be “fist fight a tornado” crazy.
Table of elderly people – Doomed
Two young waitresses – Not sure how they got through casting. Perhaps they're stand-ins. They will probably be presented as “rad chicks” in the most objectifying way possible. Maybe one of them will end up developing a tragic relationship with the single dad.
Just like one of those terrible movies, this crowd grew unbearable right quick. After about half an hour the rain was looking a little bit lighter and a spot of sunlight seemed to be poking through. I decided I would try my luck with the tornado. I put my hood up and my head down and ran out to the truck. I turned on the radio. The tornado seemed to be moving away from the town. I hopped in the back and did some crossword puzzles. No heroism, no lessons learned and I couldn't be happier.
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